This is a track from Elevation Worship of their “For The Honor” record. When I first got the record, I skipped around it a lot. It took me forever to listen to this song. The intro always caught be off guard and I would only listen to like 5 seconds and skip to the songs I knew. That was a bad idea.
In the fall of 2012, I hit a wall. I felt by myself and hit a massive life crossroads. I was at home daddy to a 4 month old little girl spending most of my days at home alone. I was leading worship at the Quest Frankfort campus and felt like I was on my own doing it. Everywhere I looked all I could see was a lack of connection to people and a lack of “recognition” for all the things I was doing.
Along came Leadership Retreat for Quest Community Church. As I sat through a wave 1 session, I was totally engaged in everything Pastor was saying, and completely having a second conversation in my head about how no one cared that I was there. I had let myself get so far away from community and from Jesus that the enemy had full access to my ear. Then something happened. My pastor called out my name.
Having been a part of leadership circles with Pastor in the past, I new that often your name got called if he caught you falling asleep. 🙂 Well in my double minded rock of a hard place, I snapped in my head. The inner voices took over. “I was not sleeping. I was trying to tweet out a line that he said. All this time and he still doesn’t know anything about me. None of these people know me. I should get out of here.”
Had I had a car, I would have left retreat and not come back. For the first time since I had given my life to Christ and joined Quest, I was on the verge of saying I quit.
Well luckily, after the session ended, I had some friends who did know me well and saw the desperation on my face. After a bit of talking we found the root. Not only had I been out of community in real ways for too long but there was something deeper that also came out in following weeks. Too much of me hearing from Jesus depended upon leaders and people I trusted being the voice box for His words. So when I didn’t have that consistently, I kept slipping further and further away because I couldn’t hear Jesus on my own. My self worth was on the line as insecurity and isolation were kicking my tail and I couldn’t hear his voice calling me on.
So where does the song come into play. I’m getting there.
the next 3 months were spent in a regiment with Jesus. Forcing myself into His word. Doing devotions every morning. Spending time with what He says is true about me. Spending time learning to hear his voice. Even though my circumstance didn’t and really haven’t changed, I found myself more and more secure in Him and am still growing in that.
About 2 months or so after the Leadership Retreat incident, I was driving out to Frankfort for practice. For some reason, I let this song play out this time. In the 40 minute drive, I ended up listening to this song on repeat and just weeping at the truth of it. Everything He did for me. It wasn’t just to give me a salvation but even to call me out of a small self focused insecure life.
The bridge says: Because I’m alive, I’ll give You my life Because I am free, I’ll bow at Your feet Because I am loved, I’m able to love Because I am Yours, my worth is secure
This line changed me. I was finding myself believing him in ways that I hadn’t before. I was finding myself secure in just being His. Not because someone else told me I was worth it. This song is full on one of my favorite songs now. I praise Him cause He gave everything up for us and He calls me His own. That’s become enough.
So God Be Praised…
Romans 8:37-38 – No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.