So as I starts writing this, it’s 2:07 in the morning. I’m wide awake. I’m sitting in my bed by myself. Shalerie had to make an unexpected trip out to see her step mom who is in a losing battle with cancer and probably doesn’t have very much time left. She took Mika out with her, so I am all of a sudden left alone in the house for several days sans family.
2 things came to mind so I had to write in reference to the important one. The not so important thought is that this 1000 square foot rental feels much bigger when it’s just me here. The important thought that aided in the title of this blog is the fact that I adore my wife. She only left this evening and I already miss her immensely.
Granted, it doesn’t take very long for boredom to set in when I am by myself sometimes. So that is bringing my lack of her to the forefront, but the truth stays the truth. I love my wife. And regardless of whether she believes me or not, I am better with her in my life.
We’ve recently been doing a lot of talking about her worth. About breaking down some insecurity barriers in her life. And about defining what “calling” really means. We’ve talked about the potential she has and the Shalerie that she is meant to be. That’s been deep at times and its been trivial relating to I think her inner self really would be super happy in long dresses and embracing her bohemian hippie self. But that is a side conversation.
I for the first time really was smacked in the face by Jesus with some truth about Shal and her roll in my life. Without her, I may not be any closer to the me Jesus is making me to be like I am now. Even at her worst moments, without her support and cheering on, I may still be stuck in a lot of ambiguity and living a much lesser life. Without her, I may not have had a reason to make some of the decisions I did.
Lets give some examples.
1. If she were not more concerned with me hearing from Jesus than me making a paycheck, there is a good chance I never leave that job I was not supposed to stay at back in 2011 or further back, I never leave the job before that that I was dying in.
2. Without her as a mirror reflecting back to me, I don’t see how I opened the door to insecurity and isolation for our household. I then don’t draw a line in the sand for my life and battle to get that sin out. I stay living in it and letting it hold me back from the plans of God for my life.
3. Without her sacrificing herself and being the main financial provider for our house, I end up taking some supremely pointless job. I miss out on all the yeses I get to say cause I have the freedom too, and I miss out on being a major influencing factor in my daughters life.
That’s just 3 but I don’t think I can begin to count the ways that without even knowing it, she has held my arms up when I wanted to give up. She’s called the best out of me so I could step more and more into what I’m called to. She has made me better without even trying.
So I’m sitting in this empty house missing the love of my life. Wishing we could be talking right now about what the next is together. Wishing I could be speaking more truth to her and letting her know how loved and valued she is. How needed she is. How she is not a product of what her past has placed on her but an advancing agent who is just as called by God for more as anyone else and has all the potential in the world to do amazing things. And I just want to tell her I love her and need her.
So all that said, my wife rocks! Please come home soon.