So I had a job interview today! First one I have had in a while for a real job that I actually applied for. It’s nice to feel at least a little wanted. 🙂 Hehehe.
I have always been pretty good at interviewing. I’m pretty good at coming up with random answers on the spot and pretty personable and all that. So while I think I did well in the interview today, The interviewer unintentionally set off an unknown bomb of philosophical life questions as I tweeted earlier. So bare with me as I attempt to explain the conundrum I find myself in.
First here are some of the questions that she asked me.
1. What are some of your strengths and weaknesses?
2. What would an old boss say is your biggest strength and weakness if they were sitting here?
3. What would your wife say are your best and worst personality traits?
4. Where do you see yourself 5-7 years from now?
Now minus #3, I have been asked all these questions before in interviews. And honestly, all of them are pretty standard. The problem is, I had to use my BS skills more than normally. Why? I don’t have actual answers to any of these right now. Especially #3 and #4. 1 and 2 are no big deal. I can make those up. #3 is a for another day and another blog. #4 is really what threw me for a loop today.
I have 0 idea what I actually want to do with my life. And deeper than that, I don’t know exactly who I am right now or who I am going to be. Making answering where I want to be in 5 years all the more complicated. Now don’t get me wrong. As this concept could sound depressing or sad or whatever, its not like that. It’s just a conundrum. One that I feel more freedom to figure out than I have in in probably 7 years.
I’m gonna be blunt for a second. Over the last several years, I have pretty much laid myself out on the altar of serving my church. Many of us are feeling this pain on the heels of everything that happened over the last few months of our churches history. Many of us feel mislead and are rebuilding trust and all that sort of thing. But there is change and life that is happening. This “new day” as it has been referred to, is what actually is allowing me to think these thoughts without feeling like I am going to be called dishonoring or that I will be drummed out.
Somewhere along the line, the ultimate goal has been to work for the church. That seemed to be the pinnacle for many. And a goal that was never going to be met. Speaking solely for myself hear, it numerous times left me feeling unworthy, unskilled and unwanted. I could serve like I was a staff member and put in unrelenting hours but was never going to be compensated as such let alone be respected as such. But I kept my mouth shut and kept going. When asked a question like #4 my answer would be to work for the church, and out of habit, it was today as well.
Now I don’t want that all to be read as anger at the church. I am a grown man who made decisions. No matter how inappropriate the leadership I was receiving, at the end of the day, it really was my decision to make. Even if I may not have seen it that clearly at the time, it was my decision to make. That doesn’t downplay the manipulation but to put all the blame on others would be absurd.
So back to where I found myself this morning in the interview. I have no idea what I want to do. I am relearning who I am outside of the context of my church. Even outside of being a dad and a husband. I am trying to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. What’s the real reason I am in Cincinnati, OH? What ministry did Jesus call me here to? What do I want to do? What can I do?
In all honesty, I have very little interest in continuing doing marketing and design and such. It’s just what I already do. I don’t really want to do freelance cause I suck as a salesman and am no good at securing business. If job stuff with the church ever does come in the next several years, it wouldn’t be an instant yes like it would have been 6 months ago. It would be a good deal of prayer and seeking Jesus which I cannot say has been true when it has come to asks from church over the last season of my life.
Anyway, the real point is I am in a learning mode. Rediscovery mode. Yes I understand how new agey ridiculous that may sound coming from me. I’m not a hippie, I just don’t know what I want. This band I am in is the most fun I have had in a really long time. And the freedom to be allowed to have a life outside of church is nice. I just need to figure out what to do with that freedom. I guess that is my main goal for 2015. Thats a big task. I don’t think I have ever known actually. Its been 33 years of filling that void with other peoples ideas and doing those. But that concept is for another time.